


Afraid

by parasitic



Series: Between Self-Loathing and the Loneliness| [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Angst and Feels, Blood and Injury, Crying, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Post Trespasser, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-10
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-30 22:50:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5182592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parasitic/pseuds/parasitic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He didn’t want to leave, but he had to. To save them. He is hurt. Grieving in silence, but hurt. Hurt from his heart. He chooses not to forget, to endure. He will learn to survive. Just like he always has. I will not forget you. He means it. Deep inside he knows he is being foolish. Inner struggle. Duty to his people. Doesn’t want to be selfish again. His desires. Weak. Wrong. Yet, he wishes to be weak and wrong, if only to —“</p>
            </blockquote>





	Afraid

She pressed her forehead against the fresco as her eyes slowly closed. 

“Why did you leave?” She asks as her words echoed through the rotunda. Katarina had been crying on the way to Skyhold whenever she was in the waking world, so no tears came now as she repeated the words.  
Dorian and Leliana looked from overhead down at Katarina worriedly. She had been in the rotunda all day staring at the frescos. At times, she would sit on the chair in front of the desk and stare at the papers on it silently.  
Dorian had, at first, been at Katarina’s side when he first saw her, but she had pushed him away. Had said she wanted to be alone.  
He thought she had been alone for far too long, she had spent the way back to Skyhold in her tent. Barely eating what was brought to her. Most of the time, with the help of Cole and the Warden, he had to coax her to eat. He knew Solas’ abandonment would hurt her, but he had no idea it could do this much damage to someone like her. She was after all the Inquisitor, or had been. She now looked like a mere heartbroken woman. Her olive skin had lost it’s glowing warmth, her snowy hair now tangled in a messy braid. To say she looked like death would be an understatement. No magic he knew could fix her, he knew, and at this he continued to look sadly at the frail woman who was now laying on the ground with eyes closed.

He also knew that she had been looking for the elf in the Fade. He had come into her tent several times and had found her quietly breathing, deep in sleep. He felt like she would waste away her life in a dream state, he was glad to see her awake, even if it was more unbearable for her.   
  
Katarina opened her eyes as she looked through the cracks on the rotunda ceiling, blue sky shone through overhead. She sighed as she turned her head to face the door that lead to the main hall. Her gaze suddenly focused on an insect crawling around near her arm. She continued to stare at it as it crawled out of sight. She continued to stare at nothing, until she noticed the door open. She saw awkward steps walking toward her. Carefully, as if not to scare or alarm her.  
“I feel empty. Want to cry, but can’t. No tears fall from my eyes. Too much crying. It’s too much to bear. Why? Why not take me? Bones ache and creak like the wooden planks atop the balcony.” Cole laid beside, facing her. “You’re still afraid. Want to let go, but can’t. It will be too hard to bear. Or will it?”  
She kept gazing into Coles light, foggy eyes as he spoke again.  
“Blackwall, love him, but Solas. He is me, and I am him. Cannot abandon the memories. Sweet words, lingering eyes. The soft touch of his fingers against my cheek. Butterflies swarm in my stomach. But you did not eat butterflies. The butterflies are there because of his embraces, his words. Heart begins to ache. Can feel the tingle on the corner of my eye. It burns. But— I wanted to help—Made it worse. The pain now deeper. A slit turned to a gash.”  
Cole hesitantly looked down, “A warm embrace.”  
Katarina had felt the tears begin to fall from her eyes and slide down the side of her face. Cole moved forward a little as he put his right arm over her shoulder. She etched closer toward him, bringing her face down to his chest as she began to tremble. She clutched at the front of his shirt slightly, as her other hand went over her mouth to bite down on.  
“He didn’t want to leave, but he had to. To save them. He is hurt. Grieving in silence, but hurt. Hurt from his heart. He chooses not to forget, to endure. He will learn to survive. Just like he always has. I will not forget you. He means it. Deep inside he knows he is being foolish. Inner struggle. Duty to his people. Doesn’t want to be selfish again. His desires. Weak. Wrong. Yet, he wishes to be weak and wrong, if only to —“  
“Cole, I think that’s enough.” Dorian said as he knelt beside Katarina.  
“I wanted to heal her hurt. She has so many questions.”  
“Yes, well,” He said as he stroked her hair, “I don’t think it’s helping.”  
She had been oddly quiet, except for her trembling shoulders. Her head still buried in Cole’s chest.  
“She is hurt. The taste of iron on my tongue. Biting breaks the skin, but helps.” Cole unwraps his arm around her so he could sit her down in front of him. She pulls at his shirt as he rises with her still against his chest. The fabric clutched tightly between her fingers. Dorian walks and kneels in front of Katarina as Cole has his left arm around her, to keep her steadily upright.  
“Are you bleeding Cole? Wait, that’s a stupid question.” Dorian then takes her hand that is on Cole’s shirt and keeps it there, “Katarina, please let go.”  
After a few minutes, she lets go of the fabric and Dorian notices the bloodied hand by her mouth. “Oh, no, my dear.”  
“Stay with her, while I go fetch Bull.” Dorian said as he stood up quickly, “And no mention of the damn apostate.”  
He left the rotunda as she tried to ease her breathing. “I’m sorry, Cole.”  
“You are trying. You are grateful. A friend?”  
“Yes,” Katarina responded as she felt the word lodge in her throat. She swallows and feels the taste of iron overwhelm her. She places the back of her hand over her mouth as she wipes at the blood surrounding her lips, only to smear it over her chin.  
“You are still hurt, but you know tomorrow is another day. Maybe it will be different. Maybe the feeling of helplessness will fade. You do not know, but you are not confused.”  
She wiped the bottom of her eyes and cheeks with her fingers as she looked up at Cole, “Thank you.”  
“There is more that—“  
“Okay there Cole, what did I say?” Dorian called out from the door as Iron Bull followed behind, one horn at a time through the door opening.  
“I heard you hurt yourself Boss, are you okay?” Bull asked as he stood over both Cole and Katarina.  
Katarina inhaled through her mouth as she looked up at him, “It’s nothing. Got— got a little carried away.” She said with a small smile.  
“The Iron Bull wants to help. The blood scares him. He is not afraid for himself, but for you.” Cole says as he stands up with Katarina slowly. He holds her bloodied hand in both of his as he looks over at Dorian, “He can fix the wound. Make it better. If only I knew how to heal the wound in her heart. Make her invincible, like the inquisitor who had led many.”  
“I am going to have to stop you right there.” Dorian said as he moved his hand over her hand. Katarina felt a warm sensation build up inside her wound, and just as it had built up, it had faded. “Bull, carry her to my bedroom.”  
“I’m fine, Dorian.” She lied as Cole continued to hold her hand in his gentle hands.  
“Why do you lie when you feel like disappearing? The sadness, it’s still there. Stuck between self-loathing and the loneliness.”  
  


 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I will be making this into a series of pure angst. If you have any ideas of a plot/etc., let me know. :)  
> 


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